How to Fight Presidents

Author: Daniel O'Brien
Publisher: Three Rivers Press
ISBN: 9780385347587
Release Date: 2014-03-18
Genre: Humor

Make no mistake: Our founding fathers were more bandanas-and-muscles than powdered-wigs-and-tea. As a prisoner of war, Andrew Jackson walked several miles barefoot across state lines while suffering from smallpox and a serious head wound received when he refused to polish the boots of the soldiers who had taken him captive. He was thirteen years old. A few decades later, he became the first popularly elected president and served the nation, pausing briefly only to beat a would-be assassin with a cane to within an inch of his life. Theodore Roosevelt had asthma, was blind in one eye, survived multiple gunshot wounds, had only one regret (that there were no wars to fight under his presidency), and was the first U.S. president to win the Medal of Honor, which he did after he died. Faced with the choice, George Washington actually preferred the sound of bullets whizzing by his head in battle over the sound of silence. And now these men—these hallowed leaders of the free world—want to kick your ass. Plenty of historians can tell you which president had the most effective economic strategies, and which president helped shape our current political parties, but can any of them tell you what to do if you encounter Chester A. Arthur in a bare-knuckled boxing fight? This book will teach you how to be better, stronger, faster, and more deadly than the most powerful (and craziest) men in history. You’re welcome.

Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody

Author: Robert Brockway
Publisher: Three Rivers Press
ISBN: 9780307464354
Release Date: 2010-04-06
Genre: Humor

Just when you thought you’d accepted your own mortality . . . Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody is bringing panic back. Twenty illustrated, hilariously fear-inducing essays reveal the chilling and very real experiments, dangerous emerging technologies, and terrifying natural disasters that soon could—or very nearly already did—bring about the end of humanity. In short, everything in here will kill you and everyone you love. At any moment. And nobody’s told you about it—until now: • Experiments in green energy like the HiPER, which uses massive lasers to create a tiny “contained” sun; it’s an idea that could save the world if it doesn’t consume us all in a fiery fusion reaction first. • Global disasters like the hypercane—a hurricane so large it could cover all of North America and shoot trailer parks into space! • Terrifying new developments in robotics like the EATR, which powers itself on meat—an invention in the running for “Worst Decision Made by Anybody.” From the Trade Paperback edition.

A Brief History of Vice

Author: Robert Evans
Publisher: Penguin
ISBN: 9780698407039
Release Date: 2016-08-09
Genre: Humor

"Mixing science, humor, and grossly irresponsible self-experimentation, Evans paints a vivid picture of how bad habits built the world we know and love." —David Wong, author of John Dies at the End History has never been more fun—or more intoxicating. Guns, germs, and steel might have transformed us from hunter-gatherers into modern man, but booze, sex, trash talk, and tripping built our civilization. Cracked editor Robert Evans brings his signature dogged research and lively insight to uncover the many and magnificent ways vice has influenced history, from the prostitute-turned-empress who scored a major victory for women’s rights to the beer that helped create—and destroy—South America's first empire. And Evans goes deeper than simply writing about ancient debauchery; he recreates some of history's most enjoyable (and most painful) vices and includes guides so you can follow along at home. You’ll learn how to: • Trip like a Greek philosopher. • Rave like your Stone Age ancestors. • Get drunk like a Sumerian. • Smoke a nose pipe like a pre–Columbian Native American. A celebration of the brave, drunken pioneers who built our civilization one seemingly bad decision at a time, A Brief History of Vice explores a side of the past that mainstream history books prefer to hide. From the Trade Paperback edition.

The De Textbook

Author: Cracked.com,
Publisher: Penguin
ISBN: 9780698161528
Release Date: 2013-10-29
Genre: Reference

You are an idiot. Don't get defensive! It's not your fault. For decades your teachers, authority figures and textbooks have been lying to you. You do not have five senses. Your tongue doesn't have neatly segregated taste-bud zones. You don't know what the pyramids really looked like. You're even pooping wrong - Jesus, you're a wreck! But it's going to be okay. Because we're here to help. Packed with more sexy facts than the Encyclopedia Pornographica, the Cracked De-Textbook will teach you about the true stars of history, why you picture everything from Velociraptors to Ancient Rome incorrectly, and finally, at long last - how to pop a proper squat. This book was built from the ground up to systematically seek out, dismantle and destroy the many untruths that years of misguided education have left festering inside of you, and leave you a smarter person...whether you like it or not. The De-Textbook is a merciless, brutal learning machine. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are informed.

The Great Abraham Lincoln Pocket Watch Conspiracy

Author: Jacopo della Quercia
Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin
ISBN: 9781250025722
Release Date: 2014-08-05
Genre: Fiction

This historical thriller is an equal-parts cocktail of action, adventure, science-fiction and comedy. The book follows a globe-trotting President Taft and Robert Todd Lincoln in a race to solve a mystery stretching back to the Civil War and the Lincoln assassination. Based on true events, readers will find themselves swept into a vast conspiracy spanning four continents and three oceans during the turn of the century. Fascinating technologies will be harnessed, dark secrets revealed, true villains exposed, and some of the most famous figures in history will take the stage. With surprises lurking around every corner, and a vast cast of characters to root for, Jacopo della Quercia's The Great Abraham Lincoln Pocket Watch Conspiracy is a heart-pounding adventure that only history could have made possible.

Crazy Sh t Presidents Said

Author: Robert Schnakenberg
Publisher: Running Press
ISBN: 9780762445042
Release Date: 2012-05-01
Genre: Humor

With the country more polarized than ever, the 2012 presidential election is expected to be one of the most heated in our country's history. Among all the polished speeches and great sound bites, sometimes in that torrent of official and unofficial remarks, some real head-scratchers slip out. Crazy Sh*t Presidents Said consists of 1,000 crazy, surprising, eye-popping, historically verified quotations, arranged thematically by subject. “I don't know much about Americanism, but it's a damn good word with which to carry an election.” —W. G. Harding “I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.” —Jimmy Carter “I always figured the American public wanted a solemn ass for president, so I went along with them.” —C. Coolidge “If I don't have a woman for three days, I get terrible headaches.”—John F. Kennedy

Badass

Author: Ben Thompson
Publisher: Harper Collins
ISBN: 0061959170
Release Date: 2009-10-27
Genre: History

The badasses populating the pages of Badass are the most savagely awesome historical figures to ever strap on a pair of chain mail gauntlets and run screaming into battle. Author Ben Thompson—considered by many to be the Internet’s foremost expert on badassitude—has gathered together a rogues’ gallery of butt-stomping rogues, from Julius Caesar and Genghis Khan to Blackbeard, George S. Patton, and Bruce Lee. Their bone-breaking exploits are illustrated by top artist from the fields of gaming, comics, and cards—DC Comics illustrator Matt Haley and Thomas Denmark, illustrator for the collectible card game Magic: The Gathering. This is not your boring high school history—this is tough, manly, unrelentingly Badass!

The United States of Absurdity

Author: Dave Anthony
Publisher: Ten Speed Press
ISBN: 9780399578762
Release Date: 2017-05-09
Genre: History

The creators of the podcast The Dollop present illustrated profiles of the weird, outrageous, NSFW, and downright absurd tales from American history that you weren't taught in school. The United States of Absurdity presents short, informative, and hilarious stories of the most outlandish (but true) people, events, and more from United States history. Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds cover the weird stories you didn't learn in history class, such as 10-Cent Beer Night, the Jackson Cheese, and the Kentucky Meat Shower, accompanied by full-page illustrations that bring each historical "milestone" to life in full-color.

License to Quill

Author: Jacopo della Quercia
Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin
ISBN: 9781466865037
Release Date: 2015-12-15
Genre: Fiction

License to Quill is a page-turning James Bond-esque spy thriller starring William Shakespeare and Christopher Marlowe during history's real life Gunpowder Plot. The story follows the fascinating golden age of English espionage, the tumultuous cold war gripping post-Reformation Europe, the cloak-and-dagger politics of Shakespeare's England, and lastly, the mysterious origins of the Bard's most haunting play: Macbeth. You won't want to miss this fast-paced historical retelling!

The Carnival Prince

Author: Daniel O'Brien
Publisher: Createspace Independent Publishing Platform
ISBN: 1977679374
Release Date: 2017-11-11
Genre:

Come join the boy with the stubby antlers, as he explores and frolics through Trinidad and Tobago. He will befriend animals and ancient mythical creatures alike. Such friendships will be called to task as they try to save the Carnival season for everyone. Perhaps the clever, yet anxious boy will find his way in the modern world in the process.

You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News

Author: The Editors of Cracked
Publisher: Michael O'Mara Books
ISBN: 9781782433309
Release Date: 2014-10-02
Genre: Humor

Alexander Fleming was not the first person to discover penicillin. The adorable-looking duck-billed platypus is actually a poisonous killer. We don't really swallow eight spiders a year in our sleep. And a zombie apocalypse could happen. From the extremely popular humour website Cracked.com, these punchy articles, written with its typical irreverent humour, will enlighten, fascinate and terrify you in equal measure. Packed with a huge range of intriguing facts about horrifying bugs, mythological beasts, illegal cheeses and deadly trampolines, You Might Be a Zombie will make you question what you thought you knew and fill you in on the facts that were too disturbing to teach you in school. This witty collection of trivia is perfect for those who hate to be wrong and love to shock their friends with their knowledge of hilarious and astounding facts.

This Book Is Full of Spiders

Author: David Wong
Publisher: Macmillan
ISBN: 9781250017901
Release Date: 2012-10-02
Genre: Fiction

From the writer of the cult sensation John Dies at the End comes another terrifying and hilarious tale of almost Armageddon at the hands of two hopeless heroes. WARNING: You may have a huge, invisible spider living in your skull. THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR. You will dismiss this as ridiculous fear-mongering. Dismissing things as ridiculous fear-mongering is, in fact, the first symptom of parasitic spider infection -- the creature secretes a chemical into the brain to stimulate skepticism, in order to prevent you from seeking a cure. That's just as well, since the "cure" involves learning what a chainsaw tastes like. You can't feel the spider, because it controls your nerve endings. You can't see it, because it decides what you see. You won't even feel it when it breeds. And it will breed. So what happens when your family, friends and neighbors get mind-controlling skull spiders? We're all about to find out. Just stay calm, and remember that telling you about the spider situation is not the same as having caused it. I'm just the messenger. Even if I did sort of cause it. Either way, I won't hold it against you if you're upset. I know that's just the spider talking.

Slinging Mud

Author: Rosemarie Ostler
Publisher: Penguin
ISBN: 9781101544136
Release Date: 2011-09-06
Genre: Political Science

Two Centuries of Scandalous Rumors, Over-the-Top Insults, and Low-Down Slurs. We bemoan the loss of civility in public discourse these days, but mudslinging is an American tradition as old as the republic. Not everyone admired the Father of Our Country. President Washington's enemies called him a cheapskate, a hyena, a horse beater, a spoiled child, and a tyrannical monster, among other epithets. "You are utterly incapable to steer the political ship," wrote one outraged critic. And so it has gone ever since. From the King Mob label denigrating Andrew Jackson to the wingnut and latte liberal tags of the past few years, every era has its share of politically motivated insults. Slinging Mud gathers memorable words and expressions from two centuries' worth of going negative.

SEAL Survival Guide

Author: Cade Courtley
Publisher: Simon and Schuster
ISBN: 9781451690309
Release Date: 2012-12-04
Genre: Reference

Think and act like a Navy SEAL and you can survive anything. You can live scared—or be prepared. “We never thought it would happen to us.” From random shootings to deadly wildfires to terrorist attacks, the reality is that modern life is unpredictable and dangerous. Don’t live in fear or rely on luck. Learn the SEAL mindset: Be prepared, feel confident, step up, and know exactly how to survive any life-threatening situation. Former Navy SEAL and preeminent American survivalist Cade Courtley delivers step-by-step instructions anyone can master in this illustrated, user-friendly guide. You’ll learn to think like a SEAL and how to: improvise weapons from everyday items * pack a go bag* escape mass-shootings * treat injuries at the scene* subdue a hijacker * survive extreme climates * travel safely abroad* defend against animal attacks * survive pandemic * and much more Don’t be taken by surprise. Don’t be a target. Fight back, protect yourself, and beat the odds with the essential manual no one in the twenty-first century should be without. BE A SURVIVOR, NOT A STATISTIC!

Finding Jesus

Author: Winston Rowntree
Publisher: Random House
ISBN: 9781473520745
Release Date: 2014-10-30
Genre: Humor

You found Wally – hallelujah! Now to find Jesus... God may move in a mysterious way, but his son is a real devil to track down. Seek and ye shall find Jesus in a multitude of unexpected places – crowded rock concerts, bustling supermarkets and packed weddings, to name but a few. It might take a miracle, but the clear-sighted can spot him if they keep the faith. Readers of all ages will be in raptures with this eternally enjoyable gift book that your neighbour is sure to covet!