How to Fight Presidents

Author: Daniel O'Brien
Publisher: Three Rivers Press
ISBN: 9780385347587
Release Date: 2014-03-18
Genre: Humor

Make no mistake: Our founding fathers were more bandanas-and-muscles than powdered-wigs-and-tea. As a prisoner of war, Andrew Jackson walked several miles barefoot across state lines while suffering from smallpox and a serious head wound received when he refused to polish the boots of the soldiers who had taken him captive. He was thirteen years old. A few decades later, he became the first popularly elected president and served the nation, pausing briefly only to beat a would-be assassin with a cane to within an inch of his life. Theodore Roosevelt had asthma, was blind in one eye, survived multiple gunshot wounds, had only one regret (that there were no wars to fight under his presidency), and was the first U.S. president to win the Medal of Honor, which he did after he died. Faced with the choice, George Washington actually preferred the sound of bullets whizzing by his head in battle over the sound of silence. And now these men—these hallowed leaders of the free world—want to kick your ass. Plenty of historians can tell you which president had the most effective economic strategies, and which president helped shape our current political parties, but can any of them tell you what to do if you encounter Chester A. Arthur in a bare-knuckled boxing fight? This book will teach you how to be better, stronger, faster, and more deadly than the most powerful (and craziest) men in history. You’re welcome.

Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody

Author: Robert Brockway
Publisher: Three Rivers Press
ISBN: 9780307464354
Release Date: 2010-04-06
Genre: Humor

Just when you thought you’d accepted your own mortality . . . Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody is bringing panic back. Twenty illustrated, hilariously fear-inducing essays reveal the chilling and very real experiments, dangerous emerging technologies, and terrifying natural disasters that soon could—or very nearly already did—bring about the end of humanity. In short, everything in here will kill you and everyone you love. At any moment. And nobody’s told you about it—until now: • Experiments in green energy like the HiPER, which uses massive lasers to create a tiny “contained” sun; it’s an idea that could save the world if it doesn’t consume us all in a fiery fusion reaction first. • Global disasters like the hypercane—a hurricane so large it could cover all of North America and shoot trailer parks into space! • Terrifying new developments in robotics like the EATR, which powers itself on meat—an invention in the running for “Worst Decision Made by Anybody.” From the Trade Paperback edition.

The De Textbook

Author: Cracked.com,
Publisher: Penguin
ISBN: 9780698161528
Release Date: 2013-10-29
Genre: Reference

You are an idiot. Don't get defensive! It's not your fault. For decades your teachers, authority figures and textbooks have been lying to you. You do not have five senses. Your tongue doesn't have neatly segregated taste-bud zones. You don't know what the pyramids really looked like. You're even pooping wrong - Jesus, you're a wreck! But it's going to be okay. Because we're here to help. Packed with more sexy facts than the Encyclopedia Pornographica, the Cracked De-Textbook will teach you about the true stars of history, why you picture everything from Velociraptors to Ancient Rome incorrectly, and finally, at long last - how to pop a proper squat. This book was built from the ground up to systematically seek out, dismantle and destroy the many untruths that years of misguided education have left festering inside of you, and leave you a smarter person...whether you like it or not. The De-Textbook is a merciless, brutal learning machine. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are informed.

The Great Abraham Lincoln Pocket Watch Conspiracy

Author: Jacopo della Quercia
Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin
ISBN: 9781250025722
Release Date: 2014-08-05
Genre: Fiction

This historical thriller is an equal-parts cocktail of action, adventure, science-fiction and comedy. The book follows a globe-trotting President Taft and Robert Todd Lincoln in a race to solve a mystery stretching back to the Civil War and the Lincoln assassination. Based on true events, readers will find themselves swept into a vast conspiracy spanning four continents and three oceans during the turn of the century. Fascinating technologies will be harnessed, dark secrets revealed, true villains exposed, and some of the most famous figures in history will take the stage. With surprises lurking around every corner, and a vast cast of characters to root for, Jacopo della Quercia's The Great Abraham Lincoln Pocket Watch Conspiracy is a heart-pounding adventure that only history could have made possible.

The United States of Absurdity

Author: Dave Anthony
Publisher: Ten Speed Press
ISBN: 9780399578762
Release Date: 2017-05-09
Genre: History

The creators of the podcast The Dollop present illustrated profiles of the weird, outrageous, NSFW, and downright absurd tales from American history that you weren't taught in school. The United States of Absurdity presents short, informative, and hilarious stories of the most outlandish (but true) people, events, and more from United States history. Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds cover the weird stories you didn't learn in history class, such as 10-Cent Beer Night, the Jackson Cheese, and the Kentucky Meat Shower, accompanied by full-page illustrations that bring each historical "milestone" to life in full-color.

Bad Days in History

Author: Michael Farquhar
Publisher: National Geographic Books
ISBN: 9781426212802
Release Date: 2015-04-21
Genre: History

National Geographic and author Michael Farquhar uncover an instance of bad luck, epic misfortune, and unadulterated mayhem tied to every day of the year. From Caligula's blood-soaked end to hotelier Steve Wynn's unfortunate run-in with a priceless Picasso, these 365 tales of misery include lost fortunes (like the would-be Apple investor who pulled out in 1977 and missed out on a $30 billion-dollar windfall), romance gone wrong (like the 16th-century Shah who experimented with an early form of Viagra with empire-changing results), and truly bizarre moments (like the Great Molasses Flood of 1919). Think you’re having a bad day? Trust us, it gets worse.

You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News

Author: The Editors of Cracked
Publisher: Michael O'Mara Books
ISBN: 9781782433309
Release Date: 2014-10-02
Genre: Humor

Alexander Fleming was not the first person to discover penicillin. The adorable-looking duck-billed platypus is actually a poisonous killer. We don't really swallow eight spiders a year in our sleep. And a zombie apocalypse could happen. From the extremely popular humour website Cracked.com, these punchy articles, written with its typical irreverent humour, will enlighten, fascinate and terrify you in equal measure. Packed with a huge range of intriguing facts about horrifying bugs, mythological beasts, illegal cheeses and deadly trampolines, You Might Be a Zombie will make you question what you thought you knew and fill you in on the facts that were too disturbing to teach you in school. This witty collection of trivia is perfect for those who hate to be wrong and love to shock their friends with their knowledge of hilarious and astounding facts.

License to Quill

Author: Jacopo della Quercia
Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin
ISBN: 9781466865037
Release Date: 2015-12-15
Genre: Fiction

License to Quill is a page-turning James Bond-esque spy thriller starring William Shakespeare and Christopher Marlowe during history's real life Gunpowder Plot. The story follows the fascinating golden age of English espionage, the tumultuous cold war gripping post-Reformation Europe, the cloak-and-dagger politics of Shakespeare's England, and lastly, the mysterious origins of the Bard's most haunting play: Macbeth. You won't want to miss this fast-paced historical retelling!

This Book Is Full of Spiders

Author: David Wong
Publisher: Macmillan
ISBN: 9781250017901
Release Date: 2012-10-02
Genre: Fiction

From the writer of the cult sensation John Dies at the End comes another terrifying and hilarious tale of almost Armageddon at the hands of two hopeless heroes. WARNING: You may have a huge, invisible spider living in your skull. THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR. You will dismiss this as ridiculous fear-mongering. Dismissing things as ridiculous fear-mongering is, in fact, the first symptom of parasitic spider infection -- the creature secretes a chemical into the brain to stimulate skepticism, in order to prevent you from seeking a cure. That's just as well, since the "cure" involves learning what a chainsaw tastes like. You can't feel the spider, because it controls your nerve endings. You can't see it, because it decides what you see. You won't even feel it when it breeds. And it will breed. So what happens when your family, friends and neighbors get mind-controlling skull spiders? We're all about to find out. Just stay calm, and remember that telling you about the spider situation is not the same as having caused it. I'm just the messenger. Even if I did sort of cause it. Either way, I won't hold it against you if you're upset. I know that's just the spider talking.

Finding Jesus

Author: Winston Rowntree
Publisher: Random House
ISBN: 9781473520745
Release Date: 2014-10-30
Genre: Humor

You found Wally – hallelujah! Now to find Jesus... God may move in a mysterious way, but his son is a real devil to track down. Seek and ye shall find Jesus in a multitude of unexpected places – crowded rock concerts, bustling supermarkets and packed weddings, to name but a few. It might take a miracle, but the clear-sighted can spot him if they keep the faith. Readers of all ages will be in raptures with this eternally enjoyable gift book that your neighbour is sure to covet!

American Lion

Author: Jon Meacham
Publisher: Random House Incorporated
ISBN: 9780812973464
Release Date: 2009
Genre: Biography & Autobiography

Chronicles the life and career of Andrew Jackson, a self-made man who went on to become a military hero and seventh president of the United States, analyzing Jackson's seminal role during a turbulent era in history.

The 48 Laws Of Power

Author: Robert Greene
Publisher: Profile Books
ISBN: 9781847651341
Release Date: 2010-09-03
Genre: Body, Mind & Spirit

'Machiavelli has a new rival, and Sun-tzu had better watch his back' - New York Times Robert Greene's laws are now famous: Law 1: Never outshine the master. Law 2: Never put too much trust in friends; learn how to use enemies. Law 3: Conceal your intentions. Law 4: Always say less than necessary. At work, in relationships, on the street or on the 6 o'clock News: the 48 Laws apply everywhere. For anyone with an interest in conquest, self-defence, wealth, power or simply being an educated spectator, The 48 Laws of Power is one of the most useful and entertaining books ever; it 'teaches you how to cheat, dissemble, feign, fight and advance your cause in the modern world.' (Independent on Sunday). Robert Greene will teach you the distilled wisdom of the masters - illustrated through the tactics, triumphs and failures from Elizabeth I to Henry Kissinger on how to get to the top and stay there. Wry, ironic and clever, this is an indispensable and witty guide to power. The perfect gift book for the power-hungry (and who doesn't want power?); this is the Concise Edition of an international bestseller. From the internationally bestselling author of Mastery, The Art Of Seduction, and The 33 Strategies Of War.

John Dies at the End

Author: David Wong
Publisher: Macmillan
ISBN: 9780312555139
Release Date: 2009-09-29
Genre: Fiction

A full-length tale based on the cult online serial by the editor-in-chief of Cracked.com finds an increasing number of people changed into threatening inhuman creatures by a hallucinogen, a situation that places the fate of the world in the hands of a pair of anti-heroes. 50,000 first printing.

Destiny of the Republic

Author: Candice Millard
Publisher: Anchor
ISBN: 9780385535007
Release Date: 2011-09-20
Genre: History

James A. Garfield was one of the most extraordinary men ever elected president. Born into abject poverty, he rose to become a wunderkind scholar, a Civil War hero, and a renowned and admired reformist congressman. Nominated for president against his will, he engaged in a fierce battle with the corrupt political establishment. But four months after his inauguration, a deranged office seeker tracked Garfield down and shot him in the back. But the shot didn’t kill Garfield. The drama of what hap­pened subsequently is a powerful story of a nation in tur­moil. The unhinged assassin’s half-delivered strike shattered the fragile national mood of a country so recently fractured by civil war, and left the wounded president as the object of a bitter behind-the-scenes struggle for power—over his administration, over the nation’s future, and, hauntingly, over his medical care. A team of physicians administered shockingly archaic treatments, to disastrous effect. As his con­dition worsened, Garfield received help: Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, worked around the clock to invent a new device capable of finding the bullet. Meticulously researched, epic in scope, and pulsating with an intimate human focus and high-velocity narrative drive, The Destiny of the Republic will stand alongside The Devil in the White City and The Professor and the Madman as a classic of narrative history.

Adopted Son

Author: David A. Clary
Publisher: Bantam
ISBN: 9780553383454
Release Date: 2008-01
Genre: History

A critical analysis of the unique friendship between American general George Washington and the young French Marquis de Lafayette describes how their bond resulted in extraordinary success on the battlefield and in diplomatic circles, aided an American victory in the Revolutionary War, and paved the way for the French Revolution. Reprint. 30,000 first printing.